The "Truth" About Dating

               

                I am not a dating expert. I don’t have a degree in psychology. I haven’t even read a single research book on relationships. What I do have is friends and experiences. With these, I would like to help you (whoever you are) understand the truth about what is happening to dating.

                This weekend I had the opportunity to ask an institute instructor about what he thinks we, as millennials, can do to help with our commitment issues. This has been a topic of interest where I live lately and I have heard many interesting reflections and ideas. I was not prepared for this institute instructor’s response. At first he rolled his eyes and told us to “give up” (probably because he’s tired of trying to fix something he probably can’t). Then he realized we (a room full of millennials) needed more of a response than that. So he stood up and gave it to us. Here’s what he said: “There’s a reason I don’t teach the marriage classes. Because your generation has ruined dating.” This was said with so much passion that you could physically feel the disappointment and frustration. And none of us dared deny it, because we knew that he was right. He went on to explain more about how we have ruined dating, but it’s likely that if you’re reading this you already understand what he means.
              As a woman I talk to a lot of other women my age. I hear many experiences and struggles. I see a lot of pain. I see loneliness, lack of hope, self-hate, and tears upon tears that weigh heavily on many minds and hearts. Each woman’s experience is different from the next, but each is heavy. It hurts every time I hear another story. Not all of these stories are related to dating, but the most frequent ones are and I hope I can help you understand a little bit about this pain I wish so ardently that I could fix.

                Now I would like to share some of my observations from my life and the lives around me. I have read several dating blog posts and articles. Each has fair points and brings up interesting things to think about. They center around things to do and not do on a date, how to act in a relationship, and how to stand or flip your hair to get a guy to notice you. I think many of these can be useful in a variety of circumstances and I’m grateful to learn a little bit more (although I’m not 100% certain I want to be on a date with a guy who asked me out solely because I flipped my hair correctly). None of these address the issue I really see in the “dating culture”.

                I recently sat with some friends and as often happens, the topic turned to dating. There was only one guy in the room and he told us some of the things he found annoying about dating girls. Everything he said was something we had heard before. What he had not realized though is that although we (the girls in the room) may know many do’s and don’ts of dating, we rarely have occasion to practice. In fact, he mentioned that he believed each of us had been on a date in the past week or two. I was sitting in the presence of three other amazing girls. We had varying personalities, shapes, sizes, education, experiences, etc. Each of us expressed that we feel lucky if we go on 2 or 3 dates in a year. Not a week, or a month, but a year. This shocked the man we were talking with. He tries to date quite frequently. He believes he has tried to date a variety of girls, but he had no idea that most girls date so infrequently.

                “Truth” about dating #1: 10% of the girls go on 80% of the dates. We didn’t do a study to find this out. I have no numbers to back it up. It’s probably a few percentage points off. But I do have experiences. And most girls I talk to would agree with these percentages if they are being honest. Maybe we’re cynical. Maybe we’re just complaining. That doesn’t change the fact that I know amazing women who haven’t been on a date for five years. It doesn’t change the fact that if on Friday you invite your friend over to watch a movie and she says she has a date everyone around gets really excited. “You have a date! That’s so great! Who is it with?” We don’t even care who it’s with. It’s exciting that you have a date! When you get back from the date and tell us about it we get excited and want to hear everything. But, we don’t want to get you too excited so that you start thinking that after one date he must be the one (even though we’ve already planned your wedding, what your children will look like, and where you will most likely live after you get married in our heads while you were gone). What an exciting event. However, this is not true for all girls. I know a few girls who tend to date quite a bit. In fact, I know one who every week asks herself how many dates she wants to go on that week and then in one day she has each of them arranged (the boys did the asking too). The rest of us notice that these girls have specific looks, habits, and personalities. Sometimes we try to duplicate them in an effort to date more, but it’s not successful very often. 10% of the girls go on 80% of the dates.

"Truth" about dating #2: Men should do the asking for a first date. After the first date, the girl can ask or the guy can ask, it doesn’t matter. But for a first date, it should be the guy. There are quite a few people who will disagree with me on this one. I believe that on the rare occasion it can turn out successful. I have even heard of a couple getting married after she asked him out for the first time. However, this should be the exception, not the rule. Men and women have different roles. This is one for the men. There is one major thing women are worried about when it comes to asking guys out for a first date. What if this is the way the entire relationship will go? What if I always have to do the asking and take the lead? These may be unfair questions, but they are none the less valid. It feels like we’re taking away the “man card” and in an age where feminism is threatening men from every angle, we would really prefer not to do that. So please, don’t make us ask you out on a first date.

"Truth" about dating #3: Men are afraid and unconfident. This one has been true from the beginning of time. I’ve called someone up and asked them on a date. It’s terrifying! The entire time, you just want the conversation to be over. I completely understand that. What if she rejects you? What if she doesn’t reject you? Isn’t it better to just stay home and play video games on Friday night instead of subject yourself to that kind of psychological stress? We women are scary. Especially if you ask out the one who has a date every night of the week. She’s going to be hard on you. It’s self-defense for her. She doesn’t want to end up in situations she’s been in before with some not so nice “gentlemen”. However, if you ask out my friend who I invited over to watch a movie and to my surprise she has a date then she will probably be just as nervous as you. As long as you are a gentleman then she will be a lady. She will be kind, considerate, and give you a chance. She will make mistakes and so will you. You might not end up marrying her, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go on a date. Men have always been afraid to ask a girl on date. It’s scary. But your father did it and you can to. Evolution says this is how it has worked for thousands of years. You can do it! I really do believe that you can.

"Truth" about dating #4: Dates don’t have to be expensive. I went on one date in the past year and we went on a walk, then drank hot chocolate at my house. This costs about a quarter for the person who bought the hot chocolate mix. I got to know my date. We talked, connected, spent about an hour together, and then we parted. I learned about him and he learned about me. I thought it was a great date! I don’t need a fancy dinner at Olive Garden or to go skydiving. I want to get to know you. That can be accomplished through very inexpensive activities.

"Truth" about dating #5: We don’t get reminded about dating as often as we should. Whenever someone gives a formal talk or speech about dating they start with something like “I don’t want to beat the fish on the head again, but I’m talking about dating today.” You aren’t killing it. We are. This isn’t just one of those side notes to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. A central purpose to the gospel is to help FAMILIES return to our Heavenly Father. It’s all about family. We are each part of a family, but we are also here to get married and raise children. It’s important! It’s so important that we need to hear it more often. Sometimes we become complacent. “I tried to do the dating thing, but it just didn’t work.” Is that going to hold up at the judgement day? “I’m sorry Heavenly Father, I tried to get married, but it just wasn’t in the cards.” No! I hear about dating in an official circumstance about twice a year. Don’t apologize for admonishing a single adult to date. It’s kind of the most important thing they should be doing with their lives right now.

                This may have sounded a bit like a rant and maybe it is. What I do know is that we are all frustrated with dating. The institute instructor was correct; we killed it and we’re not doing enough to revive it. If I were the adversary and I wanted to destroy families I would start with dating. And here we are.

                I wanted to write this because I want people to understand. That single adult you know who isn’t married, it’s probably not because they’re picky. It’s probably not because they haven’t found the right person yet. It’s because they’re not dating. Your relationship advice isn’t useful yet because they’re not in a relationship. If your dating advice starts after the first date then it’s not really helpful.

                If you are a single woman, please look presentable, be kind/friendly, and don’t assume that because he asked you out he wants to marry you. If you are a single man, pick up your phone choose a girl and give her a call. Then pick up your phone again, choose another girl and give her a call. Try someone new. Please try to branch outside of the 10%. If you don’t know what that means in terms of the girls you know then ask your closest Relief Society President who she thinks you should ask out. She probably has a whole list of girls who could use a break from the loneliness and you will probably enjoy their company too.

              We can bring it back to life! I know we can!